Emily and Karlie were tucked nicely into their beds on a cool August evening. It had been a long day. I, the narrator, don't know what they had been doing, but likely it was a collection of many hours chasing children around, encountering weird child-bathroom issues, sitting in front of Final Cut screaming at the screen, and practicing flute. They had fallen into such a deep sleep that nothing could have woken them. Not even the record-breaking dance party that was to be held in their kitchen in the wee hours of the morn.
Meanwhile, just outside of 79B, tucked into a little hollowed log, a family of Silverfish gathered. Ned was a man. His parents looked on approvingly at the changes that had taken place for him. His mother, Anita, wiped tears from her stupid little bug eyes for she knew that the day would soon come when Ned would leave her and have his way with maybe thousands of other Silverfish ladies, but, who can really say for sure? Rudiger wiggled over to Ned, put a stupid little tentacle thing on Ned's scaly back and said, "Son, tonight, you'll have to make your way into the house, and spend your first night away from the colony." Ned, shuddered slightly, but then puffed up his stupid little bug chest, and announced to the many Silverfish that had gathered near, "Yes. Tonight I leave you! It's been swell. Good day." And with that, he turned his god-awful tail to them and wiggled out into the brisk air.
The night was alive with possibility. Ned couldn't help but flick his antennae incessantly smelling or tasting or feeling all the new tastes/smells/feels. He carried on until his disgusting stubby legs landed him on the doorstep, of none other, than 79B Chase St. Every millimeter of his stupid blue-grey body writhed with excitement. "Too bad the door wasn't left open for me." Ned seemed to wither with disappointment. "Oh wait! I'm a disgusting insect and I can just slither right in through the smallest cracks that you wouldn't even know were there! PERFECT."
So he did.
Two hours later Ned returned to his colony panting. His stupid little bug lungs felt like a marshmallow that had fallen into a bonfire, slowly inflating to a fiery puff-just to explode and die. But sadly, Ned did not die. No, in fact, Ned and his disagreeable companions would likely live for eight solid years. Human years. Eight of them. "FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY!" He screamed between gasps of air. The silent night was rudely interrupted by the sound of trillions of miniature legs tapping across the earth as they gathered around Ned. "Oh good, you're all here," Ned shouted. "Look, I've returned from the house, and I really think you should come check it out. It's pretty sweet. Lots of stuff to eat. And although we Silverfish can live UP TO A YEAR without eating, we might as well go eat their stuff. And, not just food my friends! We can eat their clothes, and wallpaper, and magazines, and books, and glue! Oh! And if we go into the bathroom or maybe into their pillows we can find some yummy dead skin to munch on!" A thunderous cry rose from the bazillion grey bodies that pulsated in a wave through the colony.
At 2 am, the kitchen on 79B was bumpin'. Streams of Silverfish flowed from the cabinets and counters down to floor. On their backs were suspended the treats that Emily and Karlie had recently purchased. Cookies, sugars, crackers, any morsels of sweet the bugs could find, ended up in the Sahara-like feeding grounds that had become the kitchen floor. Silverfish ravenously tour into the starchy treats as though they were carcasses of wildebeests. In the extreme chaos and overwhelming joy that filled the room, Ned took a moment to step back. He had brought this divine pleasure to his family. He was a hero.
At 4 am Ned had consumed twelve cookies, eighteen goldfishes, a stacks of chocolate chips and had bathed in brown sugar. He lay on his back, his wee legs dangling in the air like wind-blown lawn ornaments. "Ned?" A sultry female voice came from behind him. After a few attempts to roll his bloated body over, Ned faced this staggering creature before him. Moonlight bounced off the scales on her back, and her antennae were silken and gold. "I...uh...yes?" He stammered, like the idiot that he likely was, because after all, he's a Silverfish. And that's disgusting.
"Hi, I'm Starla. I just wanted to thank you for bringing my family and me here. We were getting hungry, and I've really enjoyed gnawing through the television wires."
"Of course, I... I'm glad you like it here." Ned gathered his courage. "You know, Starla, you and I could stay here forever."
"Oh, Ned, I'll love it!"
And then they did something sort of bizarre, but as to give you the full picture of a Silverfish's life, I as the narrator, feel compelled to recount. For the next half hour they completed the mating ritual. They moved through three phases. Ned and Starla stood "face to face, their trembling antennae touching, then repeatedly backed off and returned to this position." When they felt satisfied with this, Ned ran away from Starla, as is usual in the second phase of reproduction. She chased him through the ever-growing crowd of Silverfish. He leapt over his brothers and sisters, dove under the Twizzler at the center of the limbo-party, and narrowly escaped being doused by a powdered-sugar waterfall. Through all of this, Starla chased him- she was in love. When she finally caught him, Ned knew that she was faithful. They "stood side by side, head-to-tail. Ned vibrated his tail against [Starla's]. Finally, [Ned] laid a spermatophore, a sperm capsule covered in gossamer, which the [Starla] took into her body via her ovipositor to fertilise the eggs."
It was so shockingly beautiful that the whole Silverfish community applauded. But suddenly-they froze in silence. Thuds could be heard from the stairwell. Staggered, sleepy, thuds.
"Emily... are you down here? What are you doing?" came a tired and irritated voice.
Bazillions of Silverfish scattered into the depths of 79B Chase St. Karlie stepped into the kitchen, and seeing that nothing but shreds of... everything, lay on the floor, she simply fainted.
From their various nooks, the Silverfish exchanged high fives and pats on the back.
They had successfully pillaged the house. And they all agreed that it would make a very, very nice place to live. Forever. And ever. Like, they will never leave this house.
The End.
Mating ritual taken from Wikipedia. So, you know, take that with a grain of salt.
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